misanagi

Hollow 2/7

Rating: NC17
Pairings: 1x2, (1x2)+4 (friendship), 3x5.
Warnings: Angst, post EW, language, empathy. Heero's POV
Summary: After the war Heero has found his way, but some of the pilots are still trying to find theirs.

Very special thanks to Anne for the beta, and to everyone I ever spammed with snippets of this fic, and encouraged me to write. *hugs you all*

Previous chapters can be found here.

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Chapter Two
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Duo had told Hilde about Quatre earlier today. Being the mother hen she refuses to admit she is, she had cooked some chicken and vegetables, figuring it was something Quatre's stomach could take. Quatre thanked her, and gave her one of his empty smiles, but he ate. His appetite was returning because he managed to eat more than he had earlier.

"So, Quatre is going to be helping us with the loading in the next couple of days," Duo said to Hilde.

She smiled and nodded and I knew Duo had already discussed it with her. "That'll be great, Quatre. You can't imagine the problem's we've had in the past with inexperienced pilots. The interviews alone are hell. I can't thank you enough for helping us with this."

"I'll do what I can," he said simply.

Hilde and Duo kept the conversation going. I made the occasional comment, but Quatre stayed silent unless spoken to directly. We did our best to keep a semblance of normality but the tension hung thick in the air.

We all thanked Hilde for the meal, and then headed back to our house. Hilde had suggested to Duo and me that maybe Quatre could stay with her, since she did have a spare bedroom. However, we thought that Quatre needed the company much more than a bed. While Hilde and Quatre knew each other, they weren't really close. They hadn't had the chance to interact yet. At the door, Hilde reminded me that she was there if we needed her. I already knew that.

Quatre didn't seem too tired so we all ended up in the couch, watching a movie. Duo sat next to me. I put my hand around his shoulders and he leaned into me. It was comfortable. I had gotten used to the feeling of having Duo in my arms, and I liked it. Quatre sat beside Duo, nearly at the other end of the couch as if he was trying to keep away from us.

From the first moment I met Quatre face to face, I knew he was a tactile person. He had tried to hide it. For whatever reasons, he was fighting his instincts. At first, I had thought that he was keeping his distance because he was afraid I would follow through my threat to kill him. After getting to know him a little better, I discarded that notion and decided that maybe he didn't feel worthy to be next to me. Back then, Quatre didn't feel worthy of anything.

The cell in the transport ship hadn't been large. When they brought him in, he had instantly walked to the opposite wall from me. However, the walls were so close that if we both stretched our arms, our fingers would touch. When he had finally fallen asleep he reached out to me, moving slowly closer. I could see he needed the company, so I let him have it. He wouldn't remember in the morning.

Now, Quatre sat away from Duo.

The soft sounds of a guitar signaled the end of the movie. I didn't think anyone had really watched it.

"So, Q, you have two choices," said Duo. "Since we don't have a guest room, you can take the couch, but that might be kind of uncomfortable, or..." he let the sentence hang in the air, and looked at me.

"Or you can sleep with us," I finished. We hadn't discussed it before, but there are some things Duo and I can agree on with just a simple look.

Quatre shook his head once. "The couch is fine."

Duo looked like he was about to say something but instead he just nodded and stood up. "I'll get the sheets."

Duo came back carrying the sheets, a couple of blankets and a pillow. We set the couch up as best as we could.

"Are you sure you'll be ok?" asked Duo before we headed upstairs.

Quatre just nodded.

Duo added, "If you change your mind..."

"I know, Duo," Quatre said. "Thank you. Goodnight."

* * *

I opened my eyes, startled, and took a deep breath. The room was still dark, and I could hear Duo sleeping beside me. A glance at the table clock told me it was almost four in the morning.

Something had happened, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I was having a nightmare. We all suffer from them. Duo had learned how to make himself wake up as soon as he realizes a nightmare is coming. However, he can't fall asleep after. At first, he used to stay in bed, trying to fall back asleep. He eventually gave up, and now he gets up and finds something useful to do. I can't avoid my nightmares. I sleep through them and Duo says I don't even move. I always remember them.

Tonight, however, something had woken me up, pulling me away from the nightmare, taking the guilt of killing away. There was a familiar feeling, something I know I've experienced before but I couldn't place. I put a hand on my chest, not knowing exactly why, and then I knew. Getting up slowly, trying not to wake Duo, I left the room and went downstairs.

I could see from the stairs that Quatre wasn't on the couch. The blankets were crumpled, and the pillow had fallen on the ground. I found myself heading for the backdoor, knowing that Quatre had gone that way.

He was standing in the yard, wearing only my boxers and t-shirt. His back was turned to me, and he was looking up at the dark artificial sky. My eyes, however, were fixed on the soft glow that surrounded him, and faded quickly, making me wonder if I had just imagined it.

"I'm sorry, Heero." He turned around, and this time I knew I wasn't imagining the faint glow disappearing over his heart. He placed a hand on his chest. "I don't know if I can give it back. I don't know how it happened in the first place." He lowered his eyes and whispered. "I can't control it."

The night was cold and I could see he was shivering. Taking a couple of steps towards him, I extended my hand. "Come inside. You can explain then."

He hesitated, looking at my hand thoughtfully for almost a minute. His fingers grasped mine. His skin was cold. Who knew how long he had been standing outside? I let my fingers curl softly over his and led him inside. We walked to the living room and sat on the couch. I pulled the blanket over us both, and released his hand, but I still kept mine close.

The room was dark. I hadn't bothered to turn on the lights and I had a feeling Quatre preferred it this way. I had spent many months with Quatre during the war. We had gotten to know each other, maybe even better than we had wanted to. We had conversations but I could count the times we talked, truly talked, on one hand. When one of us was willing to talk to the other, our shields dropped, and we let the other see. We'd always kept the lights off, as if we were trying to hide, just because we were already baring it all.

A thick silence filled the room for a while. It pressed on us, waiting to be broken. Quatre was the one who did it.

"I can't stay," he said.

I didn't respond. I just waited, letting the silence build again, hoping that Quatre would break it once again.

He did. His voice wasn't more than a whisper but it made the silence leave. "I'm a danger to you and Duo. I can't stay."

I waited again.

He sighed. "Just say something, Heero. I don't want to leave like this."

My eyes were getting adjusted to the darkness and I could see his features better. His eyes were trained on me, expecting, maybe waiting for judgment. "Stop talking in riddles, Quatre, and tell me the truth. Maybe then I'll have something to say."

He shifted, turning to face straight ahead instead of facing me. He pulled his legs to his chest and put his chin on top of them. "Truth is a subjective concept."

"Then just be honest," I said.

The silence crept into the room again. Quatre kept looking straight ahead. He was thinking and he was taking his time. He wouldn't speak until he was ready, of that I was certain. I turned to the window. The street lights outside were the only thing keeping the room from total darkness.

My thoughts wandered to what I had seen outside. Quatre had told me about his space heart. When he did, he had already shared that information with Trowa and Duo, and he told Wufei later on Peacemillion. The common term for Quatre's psychic ability was empathy. J. had taught me about it.

Living in space wasn't like living on Earth, and over the years humans had adapted to it. Some children, whose families had been living for generations in space, started to show certain psychic abilities. However, at the same time, the risk of giving birth in space was becoming higher, both for the child and the mother, and people started to have test tube babies to avoid risks.

With the new era of test tube babies, the children with special abilities started to become fewer, until there were almost none. The stories became legends, no more than fairy tales, so those few that still had the ability were discreet about it.

Quatre had shared it with us. I don't know if Trowa believed him, but he probably did. Quatre and he share something that only they can explain or understand. Duo admitted to me once that he'd first thought Quatre was crazy. It was only when Duo got to know him, and realized that Quatre wouldn't lie about something like that, that he believed him. Wufei didn't, and as far as I knew he still didn't. He never challenged Quatre about it; he just held it as one of those things they disagree on.

"I already knew," I said out loud.

Shifting his eyes from the wall to me, Quatre blinked a few times before giving me a confused look.

I hadn't intended to speak those words, but I did, so I decided to elaborate. "When you told me about your empathy, I already knew."

He opened his mouth but no sound came out.

"The first time I used Zero, you stopped me. You did something." I paused. "I felt it."

Quatre shook his head slowly. "You were unconscious."

"No. You did something, and I broke free of Zero, then I passed out." I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to remember, to make some sense of the scattered images Zero had left. "You pulled me; you did something and helped me pull free."

A small smile appeared on Quatre's face. A real one. "I didn't know you could tell. I thought you would be too confused to notice." He moved his head back, resting it on the back of the couch. "It was the only thing I could think of."

"What did you do?" My voice sounded cold, but I was more curious than anything. I trusted Quatre to know that.

"I let you feel me, just like I can feel others." He let his head drop to the side, so all I could see was the back of his head. "I hoped that if your emotions were being dampened by Zero, mine could break through, and then you could trust the emotions, instead of the cold voice of the system."

I nodded, even though I was still trying to understand. While J had taught me about those with psychic abilities, and what those abilities could do, it didn't mean that I understood them. "What did you do tonight?"

His head turned slowly, so he was now facing me. There was a pained expression now. He took a deep breath and said, "I don't know. I just don't know."

The first rays of sun filtered through the window. It was five twenty five. Sunrise was always at five twenty five. "Promise me, Quatre, that until we figure it out, you won't go."

"I might be dangerous," he said, still looking at me.

I frowned. "I'll take my chances."

He didn't look intimidated. "What about Duo?"

"I'll take my chances too," Duo stepped out of the shadows and took a couple of steps towards us. I hadn't noticed him but I should have known he would sense my absence and come looking for me. "Just promise it, Q, and come to bed. There's work to do in a few hours."

I smiled at Duo, but he didn't see me. He was looking at Quatre, waiting for an answer.

"I'll stay," Quatre said, finally, "for now."

Nodding, I stood up, took Quatre's pillow and started to walk to the stairs. When I noticed that he wasn't following, I turned and glared at him.

Duo walked past me and took Quatre's hand. "Come on, Cat. We are not leaving you alone."

Again he seemed too tired to argue, and let Duo guide him up. We crawled into bed. I put my arms around Duo, pressing his back to my chest. Over his shoulder, I could see Quatre, sleeping almost on the edge of the bed, his back turned to us, still keeping his distance.

* * *

I'm not sure what made me decide to work from the scrap yard office instead of from home, like I usually did. Hilde, Duo and Quatre had already left in the shuttle. From my place in the small fake leather couch, I could see Jeffrey sitting behind the monitors, checking the shuttle's progress. No audio communications had come for a while, which mean that they were probably getting the Leos ready and setting up to receive the cargo.

Taking a look at the work I had already accomplished, I decided I could rest for a while. Jeffrey gave me a hesitant look when I pulled up a chair beside him to be able to see the monitor. The people working for Duo were friendly enough but they had always been weary around me. I glanced at the monitor. It was showing the shuttle's hatch. Two men wearing space suits were working in securing some machinery before the hatch was opened.

"Hil, I'm in position and ready to go." Duo's voice sounded clear through the computer speakers. On space operations, the communications were run in only one channel. Colony–space connections were expensive, and another channel wasn't a necessity.

"I'm ready too," said Quatre.

"John and Michael, get ready to open the hatch. Sam and Terry, get the equipment ready. Duo and Quatre, get ready to launch."

No one replied, but soon enough the hatch was opening and two Leos were flying out. Jeffrey and I could follow the progress through the radar. It indicated the movement of the two Leos, A and B, traveling from the shuttle to the sweepers transport ship.

Duo only piloted Leo A. He had tweaked them both himself for this type of cargo transport operation, but since the incident with the pilot that had nearly taken out the shuttle hatch, Duo had forbade anyone from flying his Leo.

Jeffrey let out a whistle. "This guy is good. I didn't think there was anyone who could keep up with Duo." The man smiled nervously at me. "Well, except you, of course."

"Of course," I repeated, waiting until Jeffrey was looking at the monitor again before smirking.

I was glad to see that Quatre's skills were still sharp. Between him and Duo, and Hilde handling stuff on the shuttle, they were done with the transfer in two hours, when it usually took them four. They would need another hour to finish securing the cargo in the shuttle and to get back into the colony. I took my laptop and went home.

* * *

Quatre came back first. He looked a little tired but there was something very different in his expression. It didn't seem so empty anymore. He smiled when he saw me, a small smile but a real one, and then he disappeared into the bathroom to take a quick shower.

When he came out he was only wearing a towel around his waist. His hair was wet, and dripping on the floor.

"I was wondering if my clothes are clean," he said.

That's when I realized I had forgotten to take them out of the machine and put them in the dryer. Housework isn't my strong point, and when I get focused on something I tend to ignore petty things as laundry. "They are," I replied. "But I doubt they are dry."

He gave me a curious look, even amused, but didn't ask.

"Just go though my closet." I pointed to the half open bedroom door. "Take anything you need."

Hesitating only for a moment, he walked into the room. When I saw him next he was wearing a pair of old jeans and a black t-shirt. He mumbled something about going to see if Hilde needed any help with dinner and left through the back door.

Duo arrived a few minutes later. Not bothering with taking a shower he just changed into some sweatpants and a t-shirt before joining me in the living room. "Where's Cat?"

"At Hilde's. He said he wanted to help." I shrugged.

Duo frowned. "He hates cooking. I always cooked, and he did the dishes."

I remembered my time with the other pilots. Except with Trowa, who took care of me, we didn't do chores together. We've gotten used to doing things by ourselves. Trowa was the only one with whom I discussed petty things like lunch and dishes. I didn't even share something like that with Duo. Quatre and he, however, had shared that semblance of normality, just like Trowa and I briefly had. I probably know more about Quatre's views of battle or strategic thoughts, but its Duo who knows the important things.

I know Duo better now. I got a glimpse during the war, but back then I was more focused on his soldier capabilities than what kind of eggs he likes. He likes them scrambled, with tomato and not too salty.

Grabbing Duo by the waist, I pulled him towards me. He smiled and kissed me, his fingers running through my hair, and pulling me away just so his lips could kiss mine again.

* * *

Quatre didn't want to talk. When we came back from dinner he'd said he wanted to go for a walk.

"He's running."

I nodded to Duo. "He promised to come back." And Quatre doesn't break promises.

By midnight, Duo and I were ready to go look for him. We grabbed out jackets and stepped out of the house. I was going to take the jeep to be able to cover more ground while Duo searched for Quatre on foot. I turned on the jeep lights and I saw him. Quatre was sitting on the roof of the house, calmly looking down at us. Turning off the lights, I stepped out of the car.

"I told you I would come back," he said.

"What the hell are you doing there?" Duo was standing next to me. "The house isn't good enough for you or what?"

"I needed some air," Quatre replied, simply.

Before anything else could be said, I grabbed Duo's hand and pulled him into our backyard. "Hilde and the rest of the neighbors don't need to hear this." I got a hold of one of the outside pipes and started climbing. Glancing down, I could see Duo following.

Quatre was expecting us. He was looking directly at me when I pulled myself to the roof, but didn't offer me a hand up.

"It's cold," I said, noticing that he only had a t-shirt on and that his hands were tucked inside the jeans pockets.

He shrugged and sat down on the roof's floor. "So, you've found me."

"We did that yesterday, Cat." Duo sat in front of him and I followed, sitting next to Duo. "Now it's time to stop hiding."

Quatre took a deep breath, then shook his head slowly before looking at Duo. "I'm not sure of that."

"We said we would take our chances, Quatre. The least you can do is tell us what we are facing."

Duo shot me a look but Quatre didn't seem upset by my words. He looked at me the way he had during the war, when he was telling us, as firmly as possible, about the battles and the risks.

"My empathy is..." he paused, "evolving, I think would be the best word. My abilities are becoming more powerful but I can't control them. Until I learn how to, I'm a danger to those around me."

There was a moment of silence and Duo whispered, "That's why you left."

Quatre nodded once. The hard expression was still there and I wondered if this was the only way he could deal with what was happening, as if he was back on the war and this was another mission. "I hurt one of my sisters. I couldn't stay and risk hurting the rest." He blinked once, and when his eyes opened they were softer. "That's why I can't stay. I can't risk hurting you."

He was about to get up but Duo reached for him, putting a hand on Quatre's knee. "I said I would take my chances, and you promised, Cat. No more running."

Quatre looked at me and I nodded. Apparently that was all he needed. His shoulders slumped, his chin lowered a bit and his eyes were downcast.

Duo and I shared a look. I nodded and he smiled. I moved against the wall and, taking a hold of Quatre's shoulders, I pulled him back towards me. The moment he realized what I was doing, his head shot up and he turned to Duo.

Duo just smiled. Moving his hand from Quatre's knee to his chest, he pushed Quatre slowly towards me. "Just let go, Cat."

Quatre leaned on me. His head was resting on my shoulder, and I could only see half of his face. I put my arms around his waist, and soon noticed Duo leaning his head on Quatre's lap and looking up at the colony sky. I let my fingers get tangled in Duo's hair. We were silent for a while, and eventually I could feel Quatre relax. He put one hand on top of mine, and the other on Duo's chest.

"I miss the stars," said Duo. "Have you been chasing stars, Cat?"

Quatre laughed softly, but the sound ended as soon as it had begun. "Trying to figure out where I've been?"

"Tracking you was proving to be very difficult," I said.

"L1 X432, L2 X543, and then here. I was planning to leave as soon as I had enough money for it." He paused, and his fingers moved over my hand. "I didn't want to run into you."

Duo grinned. "Thank heavens things don't always go your way."

"Are you sorry we found you?" I asked Quatre.

There was a pause and then he said, "I don't know."

"So, what you've been doing?" asked Duo, changing the subject slightly.

Quatre shifted a bit. "I stayed on L1 most of the time. Got a job driving supplies from the shuttle port to a warehouse. I would have stayed longer but the truck owner's nephew needed a job so he fired me." Quatre shrugged. "I had enough for a ticket to L2 by then. Got a job in X543 cleaning the space scrap off the shuttleport."

"You what!?" Duo was already inspecting one of Quatre's hands. I hadn’t noticed before but there were some scars that seemed new. We all have scarred hands. By the end of the war it wasn't rare to see our skin raw for holding the controls for so long. "You didn't even get any gloves?"

"I didn't manage to find some until the second day," said Quatre, shrugging again.

I remembered the gloves I had found in his pack. They were old and they didn't seem to provide much protection against the rocks and metal scraps that filled the port every time a shuttle took off. In the wealthy colonies they had machines that cleared the port so the next shuttle could take off. In the poorest ones, they didn't have machines to waste on the task so they used people who had to manually clean the port floor. It was hard work and the pay wasn't high but the jobs were given to anyone who wanted them, no questions asked.

"How long?" I asked.

"Just three weeks," he said. "My sister Nayala was to arrive on the colony for a meeting, so I thought it was better to leave before she and her entourage arrived." He waved Duo's hand away from his and placed it on the floor. "I took the first shuttle off, and it wasn't until half way that I realized it was taking me here."

"Remind me to thank Nayala." Duo was still glaring at Quatre's hand. "What happened to your sister? The one you said you hurt?" Quatre didn't answer so Duo pressed on. "You put yourself through some very shitty stuff to get away from her... and from us."

Duo was still hurt. Quatre was his best friend and the fact that he hadn't confided in him had hit Duo hard. "When you called, you said you needed to find something but I didn't believe you." Duo smiled softly and I could see him look up at Quatre's face. "You can't fool me, Quatre, you know that, but you still wouldn't tell me. And you're back now, whether you like it or not, and you're still avoiding me."

I let my fingers brush Duo's forehead, pretending to push his bangs away from his eyes, but really just wanting to let him know that I was here.

Quatre had been avoiding Duo's gaze, keeping his eyes fixed on the sky. He opened his mouth and closed it again before he could find the words. "I didn't want to hurt you too."

Suddenly Duo sat up straight and faced Quatre. "Stop with this self sacrifice bullshit, Quatre, and let us help you!" He moved his head into Quatre's line of vision and repeated very slowly. "What happened to your sister?"

Quatre sat up straight as well, moving to lean on the wall instead than on me. He kept his eyes on Duo and the cold mask returned to his face. "I put her in a coma. The night of her engagement, I somehow drained the happiness from her. But I didn't stop there. When there was no happiness left, I moved on to other emotions. It was lucky that I fell down the stairs and passed out or I would have drained her completely."

Duo and I tried to reach out to him but Quatre stood up and walked away a few steps, keeping his back turned to us. "A person's soul is their emotions," he continued. "I can feel them and not two people feel the same. There's always a predominate emotion depending on the circumstances but a person is many emotions, all in different forms and weights, and that combined makes them who they are. I took that away from my sister." He turned to us and looked at Duo. "You understand now? You see what I can take from you?"

Looking at Quatre, standing away from us when he clearly wanted nothing but to stay close, I understood exactly what was weighting down on him, what had taken his happiness away: loneliness.

I walked to him but Duo moved faster. He already had Quatre enveloped in an embrace. Quatre tried to pull away but I didn't let him. I put a hand on his shoulder and said, "Remember, you promised to stay."

He pressed his head on Duo's shoulders and I could hear a mumbled, "Yes".


TBC... tomorrow probably ^_^
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I'll probably be spamming later today with more fics, sorry ^^;;