misanagi

Share my Thoughts
By Misanagi

Rated: PG13
Archive: http://www.psinergy.com/dryerspace/gundaniumline/misanagi/misanagi
Warnings: Shonen ai, angst.
Pairings: 3x4, 1x2, 5xS
Summary: Quatre seems different and the other pilots would do anything to find out what happened to him.
Timeline: After the Endless Waltz.
Feedback: Yes please!

Notes: This is my first GW fanfic. I rewrote it and I'll be posting the chapters as soon as they are done. If you read this before (which I doubt), the plot is still the same, I just changed some style things.

Dedication: To Anne, for her patience. Thanks a lot for beta reading this twice. *gives her some chocolate to feed her addiction and some carrots to feed her bunnies*

"blah" = Talking
'blah' = Thought (well duh!)

================

Chapter I

"What did you say?" asked Duo, forgetting to close his mouth when he had finished speaking.

"I just said that I think that having a child is the representation of the selfishness of mankind," Quatre repeated. He was leaning against the hallway wall and his expression seemed relaxed as he talked.

"But, Quatre, you love children." Duo was sitting at the edge of the sofa, looking at Quatre from across the room, with confused eyes.

"Of course I love children, Duo; they are pure souls. And that has absolutely nothing to do with the issue." Quatre liked to use that matter-of-fact tone when he wanted a discussion to be over. He tried not to use it much with his friends but he had told Trowa that it came very handy when dealing with board members.

"How can you like children and still be against the idea of reproducing?" asked Heero. As always, he tried to view things in a critical way. Quatre's statement had probably not made much sense to him.

The evening had started simply enough: Duo had suggested that they watched a movie after dinner. It was one of those family films, a comedy portraying a family's problems in an amusing way, hoping to get a few laughs out of the audience. How did that had transformed into a debate on reproduction, Trowa didn't know.

Trowa had remained silent during most of the discussion because, frankly, he didn't know what to say. He and Quatre had been together for a couple of years, but they had never talked about having children before. Trowa didn't actually know what the parenting thing was all about; he couldn't remember his own parents so his concept of family was practically non-existent. He didn't think that he would know what to do with a child and he wouldn't subject a vulnerable creature to his horrible parenting. It wasn't the child's needs that worried him - Trowa knew he could take care of those, but the responsibility. Raising a child was just too much for a former terrorist. Trowa had fought for what he thought was right and he didn't regret anything he had done but he hardly thought of himself as a good role model.

Quatre, on the other hand, would be a great parent. Trowa didn't know a great deal about Quatre's relationship with his father; Quatre didn't talk much about it and Trowa didn't ask. He knew that it was a painful subject for Quatre and that the blond hadn't truly ever stopped blaming himself for the Zero system incident, but maybe the roots of Quatre's reluctance to have a child had something to do with his family and the way that he had been raised.
"I like children. I just don't think /I/ should have any." Quatre was getting tired; it was evident in his tone of voice. After all, he had been working almost non-stop. Maybe it was time to talk to him and convince him to take things easy. Quatre could use some rest. "It's just my opinion," Quatre continued. "I'm not judging anyone; it's just not something I would do."

"That's funny," said Duo, but there was no amusement in his voice. "I always pictured you as the father type."

Quatre just shook his head and gave them a little smile. "I'm sorry," he said after a moment, "but I'm really tired, so I think I'll go to bed early."

Everyone stayed silent as Quatre left the room. Trowa looked at his lover walk to the stairs. There was definitely something going on with Quatre, something more that simple tiredness.

"That wasn't right," said Duo when he heard the upstairs door shut. "Did you guys check out his eyes? They were so sad, not like Quatre at all."

Heero nodded, his eyes still fixed on the door Quatre had used to exit the room.

"I think Quatre is right," commented Wufei. "We are not the type of people who could have a middle class house with a noisy family and a day job. It's just not us."

"I know that," answered Duo. "It's not what he said, it's just the way he said it. It was like he had a haunted look in his eyes. Have you ever seen him like that, Trowa?"

Trowa didn't turn his eyes from the stairs. "I'm not sure," he finally said. "Sometimes for a split second I can see it in him, but he banishes it so fast. This is the first time it has lasted so long. I think it has something to do with his father."

Trowa noticed Heero watching him and he could tell that even though his facial expression hadn't changed, Heero could see that he was worried. "His father," Heero said, but it wasn't a question.

"It's not the Zero system," said Trowa shaking his head. "It's something else. I think that work is affecting Quatre more that he thinks. Having to take over his father's role is more painful for him that he lets on. He never wanted the job, but now he has to do it."

Wufei looked at Trowa. "It sounds like unresolved issues between him and his father. Unfortunately there is nothing he can do about that now."

"Maybe his sisters can help him?" asked Duo. "They are his family so maybe we can talk to them? I'm just thinking out loud but Quatre seems to need help and unfortunately I don't think we can help him if we don't even know what's going on." Duo stopped for a moment to organize his thoughts. "Whatever is bothering Quatre has been bothering him for a long time. He's really not good at talking about what was his life like before the wars but if we want to help him we need to know how this problem with his father started."

"So you are suggesting we talk to his sisters so they can tell us a bit about Quatre?" asked Heero.

"Exactly," confirmed Duo, nodding his head.

Wufei shook his head once. "I don't like going behind Quatre's back. I think we should ask him and let him tell us what he wants us to know."

"Besides," interrupted Trowa. "Quatre doesn't get along with any of his sisters." It was something that Trowa thought was weird. Quatre had so many sisters and none of them really cared for him. They called constantly but they treated Quatre as a business associate, not a brother. Quatre had told him once that they didn't really know each other so that it wasn't such strange behavior. However, to Trowa, it was. Trowa had found his sister after being apart for so many years. They didn't know each other either but that hadn't stopped Cathy from loving him. Quatre had many sisters, but they weren't there for him.

"But I still don't know about asking Quatre, at least not yet." Duo bit his bottom lip before continuing. "Every time the subject of his father comes up, Quatre gets really depressed, and it's not just because his father is dead but because it reminds him of the Zero System incident, and what he did to Trowa." Duo took a deep breath. "I know that eventually we will have to talk to Quatre but I just don't think this is the right moment."

There was a moment of silence. "If we do this, when we finally talk to Quatre, we will tell him everything we did and every person we talked to," said Wufei. "He has the right to know."

Duo nodded. "Trowa, what do you think?"

Trowa was in two minds. He was worried about Quatre and wanted to help him but he wasn't sure that Quatre would approve of what they were planning to do. On the other hand, helping Quatre was a priority and they would be telling him everything when the time was right. "Okay," he said after a moment. Quatre would probably be mad with him but Quatre's wellbeing was more important.

"I think our best bet is Rashid," said Duo. "He has known Quatre longer than we have and he can be trusted. Besides, he cares for Quatre just as much as we do."

"I can set up a meeting," said Trowa. Talking with Rashid seemed like the best course of action, and Trowa wasn't feeling as helpless as he had been for the past few days. He moved from his place at the wall and walked to the stairs. "I'm going to check on Quatre. Good night."

After walking up the stairs, Trowa opened the door to his and Quatre's room and entered quietly. The lights and the television were still on and Quatre was lying on the bed, fully clothed, with the remote in his hand. Quatre's eyes were closed and his breathing was even; he was asleep.

* * *

Trowa woke up the next morning to the sound of one of his favorite tunes. Even though they were in a time of peace now, he awoke instantly with the smallest of noises and was completely alert from the first note. He waited a couple of moments to see if Quatre was up and would turn off the stereo, but nothing happened.

Finally, Trowa turned around to face a very happy and very asleep Arabian blond. Quatre was having a good dream and Trowa knew that didn't happen often. He was torn between waking Quatre up, or letting him sleep, but after remembering that there was a reason for the alarm clock to be set at that time, Trowa pressed his lips to his lover's cheek.

Quatre just smiled but stayed asleep.

'This is going to be more difficult than I thought.' Trowa knew from previous experience that waking Quatre was a complicated job that required expertise and a very skillful person. In the beginning of their relationship Trowa had once tried to wake Quatre up by putting a hand in his shoulder and shaking him while calling his name. It turned out that it was the wrong way of doing it. Very angry aquamarine eyes had stared at him while Quatre cursed him in every language he knew for waking him up and in such a horrible way. That was the day that Trowa had met "Cranky Morning Cat", as he had baptized him, and since that day he had tried to avoid him as best as he could. "Cranky Morning Cat", or CMC for short, disappeared as soon as Quatre took a bath or some caffeine entered his body in the form of tea, coke or on, rare occasions, coffee.

Trowa had no intentions of meeting CMC that day so he began petting Quatre gently and giving him soft kisses from time to time. That was the only way CMC wouldn't make an unwanted appearance.

Quatre slowly opened his eyes. He was probably debating between staying in dreamland or answering the call of the sensations the real world was providing him. Trowa hoped that he was doing a good job in convincing Quatre that waking up wasn't so bad. After a while, Quatre's eyes finally focused on Trowa's.

"Good Morning," murmured Quatre. His voice was raspy and he was blinking and rubbing his eyes.

Trowa stared at Quatre with some amusement. The blond looked incredibly young when he was waking up.

"Mmm what time is it?" asked Quatre between yawns.

"Seven," Trowa replied, after taking a look at his watch.

"Seven?" Quatre jumped from the bed, suddenly completely awake. "I'm late!" he announced as he dashed to the bathroom.

"You are always late," commented Trowa, "but somehow you always manage to get there on time…"

His only answer was the sound of the water running. Trowa smiled and closed his eyes again. It was way too early for him to wake up.

* * *

Quatre gave Trowa a soft kiss and left him sleeping pleasantly in their bed. He dashed down the stairs and towards the kitchen, pausing only to grab a coke can from the fridge. There was no time to make tea or coffee but he still needed his caffeine fix. When he turned to go to the garage, he ran into someone with such force that he would have hit the floor if it wasn't for the strong arms keeping him upright.

"Good morning, Heero," said Quatre when he finally looked at the person holding him.

Heero smirked and released Quatre after he was sure that the blond wasn't going to fall. "Why are you awake this early?" he asked.

"I have an early meeting today," answered Quatre. He opened the can and took a big gulp of the soda. "I tried to reschedule. You know me; normally I am not in the office before ten, but there was nothing I could do."

"And where are your bodyguards?" Heero didn't look pleased. There was even an accusing light in his eyes. Obviously, he didn't like the idea of Quatre leaving the house unprotected. Quatre was a public figure and as head of Winner Enterprises, and colony representative, he was one of the most important men alive. His identity as a Gundam Pilot hadn't been revealed but there were still many people who could take profit in harming Quatre Winner.

"Oh, there is no need for them," said Quatre dismissively, heading again for the door. "They are okay for those colony meetings and important events but I'm just going to the office…"

Heero was still looking at him the same way. "Quatre, you can be a target anywhere."

Quatre stopped again. "Well that's true, but you and I know that I'm not the defenseless rich boy the media thinks I am. I can get myself to the office just fine, don't worry." Quatre smiled, looked at his watch and tried again to reach the door. He sighed when Heero put a hand on his shoulder, stopping his attempt to get on time to the office again. Heero swiftly pressed his hands around Quatre's chest and after a moment, gave him an approving look.

"You see, I'm not careless," said Quatre when Heero was done with his inspection. "I have my gun right here. Now can I please go? I'm already late."

Heero nodded and stepped away from the door. Quatre gave him another smile and hurried to the garage.

Quatre stood for a moment, deciding which car to take. The garage was a very big room and there were a lot of vehicles there. Each one was unique; all the pilots had worked on them so that the features in each were much more than anyone would have thought. Quatre had planned to take his black convertible but since the talk with Heero had taken most of his spare time, he quickly jumped on his motorcycle. Quatre had worked on that machine for days and he loved it. One of the many advantages of knowing how to build a Gundam was being able to make some new toys for himself. His motorcycle was incredibly fast and Quatre, being an experienced pilot, knew how to handle it.

He snapped out of his daydream and looked at his watch. He had ten minutes to make it to the other side of town. Quatre smirked; he was never late and he wasn't going to start now.

* * *

Heero watched from the window as Quatre drove off at an alarming speed. He smirked when he saw the coke can enter the trash container at the gate, before Quatre disappeared from sight.

"He always had great aim," commented Duo, putting his arms around Heero from behind.

Heero turned around and kissed Duo good morning. "And what are you doing awake this early on our day off? It isn't lunch time yet."

Duo smiled. "I know but I heard Quatre leaving and I thought that this would be a great time to call Rashid. He's going to be out all day so we can use the time."

Heero had a bad feeling about what was going on with Quatre. He didn't know what it was but there was something in Quatre's eyes that told him whatever was going on was more serious than family problems. He had decided to keep his suspicions to himself, at least until he was sure about them. There was no use in worrying everyone when he could be mistaken. Besides, he had no concrete evidence yet, but as soon as he got some, he was going to talk to Trowa. "I don't think Trowa is up and he is the one who is going to call him."

"So go wake him up," replied Duo. "I'll go and look for Wufei; he must be exercising in the yard."

Heero nodded and headed for Trowa and Quatre's room. He knocked softly and waited. Soon a groan was heard from inside and Heero interpreted it as an invitation to go in.

"Trowa," he said as he entered the room. Ignoring Trowa's incoherent mumbles, Heero opened the curtains and avoided the pillow that was thrown his way. "I think being near Quatre this long is giving you your own case of CMT," he commented, smiling at the look on his friend's face.

"Why are you here?" asked Trowa, sitting up, fully awake and still glaring.

"Duo sent me," replied Heero. "He wants you to make the call."

"I called Rashid yesterday," Trowa informed Heero as he made himself comfortable in bed again. "Now kindly close the curtains and wake me up in two hours. We're going to meet Rashid for lunch."

Heero smirked and ignored Trowa's request. "Well, since you are already awake you might as well get up."

Trowa glared and groaned. "Remind me to hit you later," he said, sitting up slowly.

Heero smirked and walked to the door. "Sure thing. Now go and shower," he said as he left the room, closing the door before another pillow could smash him in the face.

* * *

The restaurant was a very private place and Duo thought that maybe it was owned by the Maguanacs, since there seemed to be no other customers. They were seated in the floor in front of a nice table filled with delicacies. Duo had tasted the hospitality of the Maguanacs when he and Quatre had hidden together in one of their villages, and he hadn't forgotten the really good food they served.

It was a feast. They ate kibbes, falafel and cuscus, while talking about many different things. Dessert came and Duo enjoyed the almonds and cakes but stayed away from the Halva. He'd had a close encounter with the horrible substance the Maguanacs dared to call sweet, and had vowed to stay away from it forever. [1]

"Thanks for the food, it was great," said Duo as he patted his stomach, and the others nodded in agreement.

Rashid bowed his head a little. "I'm glad that it was to your liking." He stared at them for a moment and adopted a more serious look. "But I'm sure you didn't call me just to have lunch, so what is the problem?"

Duo smirked. Of course Rashid knew they were up to something. One didn't become the leader of the Maguanacs without very good instincts. "We are worried about Quatre," said Duo, opting for a direct approach. "He's been acting weird. Nothing too obvious, but we know him well and there is something troubling him."

Rashid frowned and Duo could see the concern reflected on the Maguanac's face. "You came to see me because you want my help?" It was obvious that Rashid cared about Quatre. What Duo had seen during the wars was enough proof. It was funny in a way how Quatre talked about Rashid and the Maguanacs all the time, and yet Duo knew nothing about Quatre's biological family. He guessed that proved that there was more to family that a simple blood relation.

"Yes," admitted Duo. "Yesterday we were talking and Quatre said some things that made us think that maybe his father is the cause of the problem. We don't know much about Quatre's relationship with his father. We don't ask a lot of questions because we know it's a painful subject for him." Duo shot Rashid a look. "So we thought we could ask you, since you have known him longer."

"Not much longer," commented Rashid, crossing his arms over his chest.

Duo looked at Rashid, confused, and then glanced at his friends, noticing by their expressions that they were also puzzled.

"Haven't you known him since he was a little boy?" Heero asked, regarding Rashid with an intense gaze.

Rashid shook his head. "Not that little. I met Master Quatre when he was thirteen." It was Rashid who gave Duo the confused look this time. "He never told you about that?"

"No." Duo was feeling very clueless at that moment; something he didn't like one bit. He sighed. "We just assumed that you worked for Quatre's father or something…"

Rashid's eyes went wide for a moment. "You are mistaken," he said, with a hint of amusement in his voice. "I met Master Quatre when we kidnapped his shuttle."

"You kidnapped his shuttle?" repeated Wufei. He sounded calm but there was some criticism hidden in his voice.

"Please, let me finish," replied Rashid calmly. "We were going to free some workers and we needed the Winner shuttle to do so." Rashid smiled softly, as the memories of that time came to his mind. "Master Quatre was such a brat back then. He didn't care about anything, not even himself. We were kidnapping him and he was bored. He told us that he had no value and that if he died they would just make another one. He never told me much about his childhood but I don't think it was as happy as he wants us to think; he was a very lost boy when I met him."

Duo blinked a few times "Quatre was a brat?"

"He wasn't that bad," said Rashid. "He just didn't care." He closed his eyes for a moment and then continued. "When we contacted Mr. Winner, he asked to talk to Master Quatre. That's when I learnt that Master Quatre was running away. He thought he was just a creation; that he existed only because his father needed an heir. He spoke with such self hatred that I did the only thing I could to help him: I hit him."

"You hit Quatre?" asked Heero, in an even tone.

Rashid nodded. "The boy had no pride in himself. I'm also a test tube baby - all the Maguanacs are - so I couldn't stand hearing him talk like that."

"You didn't hit Quatre too hard, did you?" asked Duo, giving Rashid a disapproving glare.

The Maguanac gave them a sheepish look. "I was actually surprised that he didn't fall down or cry. That's when I first knew he was stronger than he looked, and he proved it to me not much later."

Duo was still thinking about a thirteen year old Quatre being hit by someone as strong as Rashid, but the man's next words caught his attention again.

"He saved my life, all of our lives."

There was a moment of silence and Duo realized that if he wanted an explanation he would have to ask for it. "Man, you can't just say something like that and not give more details."

Rashid smiled and Duo could see, not for the first time, how Rashid's smile was always filled with pride when he talked about Quatre. "We had a traitor. Master Quatre discovered him and somehow managed to capture him and bring him to us. However, the traitor freed himself and shot me. Master Quatre pushed me out of the way and the bullet only hit me in the arm. It hit him too. My wound would have been fatal if it wasn't for Master Quatre."

"That's Quatre," agreed Duo, smiling. "He's as strong as an ox under those deceiving elegant clothes."

Rashid nodded and continued. "After that, we were attacked by the Alliance and Master Quatre insisted on fighting with us. I let him borrow my suit." The proud smile was becoming more evident with every word Rashid spoke. "He surprised us all. Not only was he a very skilful pilot, but he also directed my men in battle. Thanks to him, we managed to distract the enemy suits long enough for the prisoners to be evacuated. However, there were still twenty suits ready to attack us as soon as we decided to go back to Earth so Master Quatre sent all of my men back to the ship and pursued the enemy alone. He won and thanks to him we were able to return home. Since then, the Maguanacs are in his debt so we call him Master Quatre to show our respect."

Silence filled the room for a moment. Duo knew what Quatre was capable of; he had fought alongside him and put his life in Quatre's hands many times. Quatre had never told him why the Maguanacs called him "Master", and Duo had just assumed that it was something they did because of Quatre's money or social prestige. Duo couldn't help but laugh quietly at himself. It had been naïve of him to assume that a group of strong soldiers like the Maguanacs could be bought. No, those men didn't just give their loyalty to anyone. One had to prove to be worthy, and Quatre had done that.

Wufei interrupted the silence, putting Duo's thoughts into words. "It was Quatre's strength which earned him the Maguanacs respect and their loyalty, not his family name." The words were delivered calmly and in a neutral tone that to most might seem even bored, but Duo knew better. In his quiet and sometimes seemingly detached way, Wufei was amazed.

This was why the Maguanacs were so important to Quatre. They were the first people who trusted him because of who he was and not for being a Winner. Their respect was the first thing that Quatre had earned for himself.

"The next time I saw Master Quatre," said Rashid, "was when he came to Earth to join us, and had a Gundam with him. I'm sorry if I wasn't much help but that was the only time I met Master Quatre before he became a Gundam Pilot."

"You helped a lot." Everyone turned to look at Trowa since it was the first time he'd spoken. Trowa was looking at his hands but raised his eyes to met Rashid's. "I understand him much better now. Thank you."

It was a moment before Rashid spoke again. "I know that Master Quatre was not a happy child. I saw it in his eyes then. When he came to Earth he was another person, stronger and more confident in himself, but some of the sadness he had, never left those eyes." Rashid took a sip of water from the glass in front of him. "I care for him and I know that there are no other people who love him as we do, other than you four. If he hasn't spoken to you, then he hasn't spoken to anyone. You'll have to talk to him."

The boys nodded and after saying their goodbyes, they left the restaurant and headed back to the house. After speaking with Rashid one thing was clear: they couldn't postpone it anymore, they needed to speak with Quatre tonight.


* * *

TBC

Notes:
[1] If you have ever eaten Halva you should know what I'm talking about.